What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
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