i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
