Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
