Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
