Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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