just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
