Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize