I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
