you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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