Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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