There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
