3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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