do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
