so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
