she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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