You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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