A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
