My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
