someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
