I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
