Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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