The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
