I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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