I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
