i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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