What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
