It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
