i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
