apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
