At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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