I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
