I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
