I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
