It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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