i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
