She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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