Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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