I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
