i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
