From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
