why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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