Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
