If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
