he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
