shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize