let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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