Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
