So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
