I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
