Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
