The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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