the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
