My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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