If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
