Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
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